When I ask my clients, “Which of your elders experiences these feelings you feel in relationship?” They know instantly, and reply with certainty, “My mother. My grandmother. My dad.”
We all imprint how to be in relationship from someone; likely the adult you spent the most time around as a youth.
I picked men as different from my father as I could, hoping to avoid my mother’s experience of relationship. My dad is an aloof, conservative accountant, super-pitta kinda guy. So, I picked men who were conversational, artsy, and who worshipped me. Yet, I still found myself feeling disappointed, betrayed, unheard, and/ or taken advantage of.
Darn! That’s how my mom felt. I don’t know much of my grandmothers’ stories, but from what I’m learning about ancestral patterns, I’d bet they also shared this experience.
Your ancestors experience is coded in your DNA expression mechanism. Your cells share the same cytoplasm and mitochondria from your mother’s mother’s mother’s mother (and on). Your experience is imprinting on your children, and coding in their DNA.
How you feel matters. It matters so much, you pass on the info of how to feel. This is a survival mechanism. If we survived, then something about how our ancestors felt in relationship to what surrounded them (others, nature) was successful, so it’s meant to be passed on.
So look at how you feel in your major relationships. Identify common feelings. Those are part of your ancestral story.
I’m learning to identify feeling disappointed, and unheard as part of my matrilineal gift. The imprint I received from my mother is the vehicle through which the Universe created the perfect “classroom” for me to learn my karmic lessons: to hear myself, and to accept myself.
When I am fully accepting of myself, I embody contentment, and I am more content and accepting of others, which means less disappointment. When I really listen to my inner voice, and show her that with my words and actions lining up with her guidance, I embody being heard. If I embody it, if I give it to myself, I will attract it in people, situations, and experiences. It’s a natural law.
When I find myself feeling the ancestral story in my relationships, I:
— reach for other perspectives on the same situation–there are always perspectives that feel better
— communicate my stories and transparently work with them in my relationships
— identify the unmet emotional needs beneath my feelings of disappointment, etc.
— consider whether the person I feel the story with is capable of meeting my needs at that time
— brainstorm other ways to meet my emotional needs, and begin implementing them
— ask how I could benefit from this feeling, or situation: clarity, greater understanding of what I need, a shift in my decision-making, knowing how to apply this awareness to feel better
You are responsible for attracting your experience in relationship. However, if we want to use relationships as a tool for emotional and spiritual growth, we have to honor our ancestral stories in relationship.
shift your DNA expression, Siva