I recently had a legal issue come up that clawed at my heart and mind for months. After amicably resigning, an ex-nanny of ours wanted to change her tax structure retrospectively from an independent contractor to an employee so she could collect unemployment, and she thought she was would save money on taxes this way as well.
Our family had let this person into our lives and hearts for almost 3 years, and needless to say, I was shocked that she would put us through this process which involved amending taxes, CPAs, and lawyers and hundreds of dollars. Blech!
I was incredulous to see her aggressive and litigious nature, so intently driven by money. How could I have trusted the care of my children to this person? Why didn’t I see this side of her sooner? What hurt me most was that my children had loved her and this issue meant that she was suddenly ending that relationship.
My instinctive pitta nature is that when I am hurt, that is almost instantly followed by anger and a sense of injustice. I naturally am one to “fight back.”
In my perspective, she framed this for herself as though she was the victim so she could deal with her conscience. This woman really convinced herself that we were trying to shift our tax burden onto her and had wronged her. Within a week of her quitting, I had threats based on her meetings with the IRS and Labor Board. My lawyer and CPA educated me on my rights and that encouraged me to not just roll over to her every demand. They found grounds for me to file a lawsuit against her, and the Labor Board found grounds for her to make additional demands. This legal back and forth could ensue for months, if not longer.
As someone that makes a living in great part by helping people with conflict resolution, I was baffled at not being able to get through to her to find a best fit solution for all parties. How can nonviolent communication serve you through the thick muck of someone’s victim archetype? What can you do when someone is unwilling to engage in compromise?
It took me some time to get here, but I eventually realized, You can disengage.
I can surrender.
Arghh! That’s not in my nature. The greatest thing that kept me from surrendering sooner was the feeling of “It’s not fair.” Then I pretended I was my own client and took a look at the situation energetically.
As long as I stayed entangled in this battle, I was keeping myself in a victim archetype as well. She hurt us and attacked us and wronged us was the core of my perspective. “What’s the perspective that keeps me in a place of empowerment?” I wondered.
The answer was clear: Have compassion and move on. Don’t waste any more time here in this container. The longer I stayed in an unresolved situation and the longer i stayed in this container of victimhood, the more I would attract that energetic pattern in other areas of my life.
Surrendering doesn’t mean that you are weak, or wrong. It means you are so powerful that you can concede and not be wounded by the experience.
In the long run, the money here wasn’t going to hurt me as much as sitting in the energetic container of being betrayed. It took some meditation for me to recognize that this was a young and spiritually unaware person that was raised with a scarcity and fear-based mentality. Of course she would approach this situation as such. I didn’t have to take it personally, and I could choose to have faith that some good would come out of this ugly situation in the long run.
For us, finding a new nanny who is much more spiritually conscious and a whole host of other qualities that were a better fit for my amazing kids was the good that came from it. And that shift was worth the money I spent to be done with the situation.
The feeling of being resolved and taking the higher path in the surrender was priceless.
What are battles you are currently engaging in that keep you in unhealthy energetic patterns?
What perspective can you choose to come from a place of compassion and empowerment?
What do you have to gain from releasing this situation?
Now, go out there my dear spiritual warriors, and….surrender!